Stop Replaying the Movie

Today is the National Day of Forgiveness, and I've been thinking about what forgiveness really means.

We talk a lot about forgiving other people, but I think forgiveness goes much deeper than simply saying, "It's okay," especially when something really wasn't okay.

People disappoint us. They make choices we don't understand and say things that hurt us. Sometimes we find ourselves judging someone for what they did without knowing what was happening in their life at the time or what they may have been carrying.

That doesn't mean we have to agree with their choices or let someone keep hurting us. But there may be room for a little grace. Instead of immediately deciding someone’s character based on one thing they did, we can remember that we rarely know the whole story.

Think about a movie you've seen that left you frustrated, angry, or just feeling awful. You walked out of the theater thinking, "I never want to see that movie again."

So you don't. You certainly wouldn't go home and watch it again that night, and then again the next morning, and again the following week. Why would you? You already know how it makes you feel.

But isn't that sometimes exactly what we do when someone hurts or disappoints us? We replay the conversation. We think about what they said, what we said, and what we should have said. Every time we press play, all those feelings come right back, and we go through it all over again.

The interesting thing is, the other person isn't necessarily watching the movie with you.

My mom tells a story about when she was younger. She was teaching and raising us kids, and life was busy. Before she knew it, two weeks had gone by without her talking to one of her close friends. When she finally called, her friend said, "Oh, I guess you realized I was angry and wasn't talking to you."

My mom was stunned. She had no idea anything was wrong. Her friend had spent two weeks stewing, and my mom had spent those same two weeks going about her life.

Sometimes both people walk out of the theater upset. But while one person eventually gets on with their day, the other keeps replaying the movie. And if you're the one replaying it, you're the one who keeps feeling the pain.

At some point, we have to decide to stop pressing play.

Sometimes that means having an honest conversation. Say what needs to be said, and listen to what the other person has to say. Try to understand each other. Forgive them, and then let the situation be finished. That means not bringing it back up at the next argument and not tucking it away in your back pocket as evidence of all the ways someone has let you down.

If we choose to forgive, we eventually have to let the offense stop taking up space in the relationship.

I'm not sure I believe in "forgive and forget." We don't always forget, and I don't think we're supposed to. Experiences teach us things. We may learn that we need stronger boundaries, or we may approach a person or situation differently next time. Forgiveness doesn't require us to pretend we didn't learn something.

Sometimes forgiveness even means lovingly letting someone go. You can wish someone well without inviting them back into the same place in your life. You can let go of resentment without rebuilding the relationship exactly as it was.

And, while we are giving others grace, we need to offer that same grace to ourselves, too. We all have moments we wish we could do over, things we said or decisions we made, times we knew better and still didn't do better. We can learn from those moments without punishing ourselves forever.

Self-forgiveness might be as simple as looking back and saying, "I wish I had handled that differently. I understand more now. I'm going to carry the lesson, but I'm not going to keep carrying the shame."

Whether we're forgiving someone else or ourselves, we can't erase the past, but we can stop living there. Keep what it taught you, and set the boundary if you need one. Then stop pressing play on a movie you already know you don't want to watch again.

There is so much peace when you finally let the credits roll.